Alyrian News

Tellerium guards put a farmer in jail charging her with growing marijuana. She said she was forced to because her cow had been acting “nervous and stubborn” until she put the cannabis in the feed.

A slave trader was arrested in the Palace of Diocletian for enslaving a woman for eight years. His defense was that the woman had actually been earning the equivalent of ten gold pieces a week during that time and that all she had to have done was ask for it, but she never did.

In Templeton a resident was charged with trying to cash an elderly neighbor’s retirement check, in the equivalent of 150,000 gold pieces. The explanation by the resident was that someone had cast ‘confusion’ on him rendering him unable to engage in logical thinking.

Several people have been fined for botting recently. An immortal was asked if it is permissible, even when the player has an area all to himself, to bot. The immortals answer was no.

In the fishing village of Colyon a championship soccer game was disrupted and canceled after complaints from an animal rights activist that it was disrespectful to squid. In the game, teams were using an inflated ink sac from a dead squid as the ball. “But it’s a dead squid, for mercy sake. I don’t think the squid cares one way or another now,” said the angler.

New Rigel has reported that the pregnancy rate among girls at the Brahn’s School of Music has increased ten percent from last year, despite the fact that the school’s athletic teams are known as the Trojans.

The Captain of the Sigil Guard reported that his house was burglarized in September during the time he was speaking to a Neighborhood Watch group on crime prevention in the suburbs.

A Xaventry resident was arrested last week for his part in a revenge plot. In court he laughed at the family of the victim and told them that “pain is a part of life, get over it.” He said, “There are two kinds of people, predators and prey and I’m dam sure not prey.” He was sentenced to execution for having a player set another resident on fire.

Efford, of Efford’s Apothecary in Lowangen was arrested minutes after allegedly committing his third bank robbery in a day in Lowangen. Efford’s main misjudgment, according to witnesses, was making his getaway all three times in his company cart with “Efford’s Apothecary” stenciled on the side.

Several unknown teenagers from Rune were arrested and convicted for sending Anthrax threats to administration in envelopes that each contained their correct return addresses.

Also from Rune it seems that urinating continues to be a problem, even fatal, as over the years several men have fallen down the steep slope near the Runic Temple in their efforts to relieve themselves. Finding proper toileting has been a major concern for years and even with the addition of toilet facilities to private homes.

Desert Thorne has also reported deaths involving urination but it seems players have wandered into the ravine looking for a place to relieve themselves and have been killed by falling boulders.

Rune Forest reports that exports of ants are down this year due to increased first class player base. This is creating steep prices for chocolate-dipped ants and ant-based sauces and spreads. Also it seems that the Queen’s thorax has fallen out of fashion even though it was considered a good luck charm.

Desert Thorn has petitioned the nearby towns of Lowangen and New Rigel for a resident to create a restaurant as a tourist attraction in the vicinity of Desert Thorne. Some items on the planned menu include the local favorites of scorpion tail, spider legs, vulture under glass, maggot delight, cacti juice, snake steak, and turtle soup. They do admit that something will have to be done about the tsetse flies and centipedes.

In Vospire some believe a well-attended funeral leads to great afterlife but guards have recently stopped the practice of shipping in strumpets from Tellerium to boost attendance.

Xaventry residents still celebrate a moon phase oddity called “hungry ghost” month, during which the gates of the underworld supposedly open and create widespread panic. Many priests seek to stave off the ghosts (who apparently provide lucky numbers) by offering them food and other items.

Two concerned citizens of Templeton hosted a party in an attempt to raise environmental awareness. They celebrated with wine and cheese to encourage the city to clean out the sewers. The citizens hired a team to clean out the sewer as a demonstration for the cities leadership. Unfortunately they had to stop eating and drinking when the stench rose from the cleaning process and lingered in the city for days.

A man was shot in the back with an arrow at the archery range in Tellerium.

An elderly man had wandered into the Rune Graveyard and was being eaten alive by maggots.

A human citizen in Templeton was badly injured when he strapped fireworks to a guard’s helm and then put the helm on to see what would happen. A witness says alcohol was involved in the decision.